Effective Ways to “Break the Ice” after an Argument with Your Partner

I will skip up the chronological order of my “travel” (A Woman’s Journey) from childhood to the present. I would like to respond first to a friend’s question “How to break the ice after having an argument with a spouse without losing your pride?”I think this need to be addressed first.

First of all, I wanted to say “thank you” for trusting me with this, and I hope all will be well soon.

It is but natural to have an argument especially for newlyweds. There is no guarantee that marriage will be the end of misunderstandings and relationship’s problems. Be it long or short engagement doesn’t guarantee that you and your spouse knew each others' every nooks and deepest feelings. You are two different individuals that agreed to start your journey together as man and wife. It says “both” meaning, you are partners…in everything.

Living separately before the wedding, and living together afterwards, are two different things. In every change, however small the change is, there will always be an adjustment.

The start of misunderstanding/s might be a small thing. It is usually the way it was brought out that kindles the flame. The problem is; no one wanted to accept who is at fault. Why? Because of this culprit called “pride” which each has, and no one wanted to bow down. Each has his/her own reasons, and each one, believes he/she is right.

How to mend this? Read and try these in your life:

·         Set house rules. Before marriage, both should set some marriage rules in anticipation of any “troubles”. If you haven’t done this before marriage, it’s not too late to start making now. The rules should benefit both. It should not authoritative. The rules should have the concept of making the relationship strong and make the adjustments easier.

·         Write down your feelings. Newlyweds are still hesitant or shy in expressing her feelings or thoughts (even if it is one of the house rules: “speak what you feel or think”) and let the spouse read it by himself. It is better, because the spouse can understand and think better if he has the time to digest.

·         Say sorry. Maybe it is hard, especially if you think you’re right. What if your partner thinks he is, too? It is hard to swallow your pride but it’s worth it when it takes away the wall between the two of you. Try saying it first and believe me, your spouse will say “I’m sorry too.” If he won’t, his pride is bigger than he is, and it’s spells trouble.

·         Talk about the cause. When both are already in “kissing mood” again, discuss the issue. This will answer the “why”, the “what” and the “will be” of the argument. You can both avoid the misunderstanding about the same subject again.

·         Avoid shouting matches. All of these should be in the “house rules or marriage rules.” Arguments can be called “brain storming” too. Isn’t it nice? Discussing means sharing what the other thinks, feels and wants. This way, both of you will know each other better.

·         Make allowance for each other’s shortcomings. Man and woman are created different. However, these differences should complement each other. Adjustment periods don’t have time frames. Every day, you learn something different from each other. Treat it positively, like “discovery.”

·         Point out or criticize with respect. No one will tell a person his “negative” traits with care, only someone closest to his/her heart. Grow with each other. Enhance each other’s “gifts.”

·         Be nice and sweet. It is not only in “honeymoon” stage that the couple is sweet to each other. These nice words and sweetness are the simple daily spices which will nurture your feelings with each other. Be gentle even in your anger. You spouse will love you more for these traits.

·         Help each other. There is a demarcation line between the man and wife. They should talk about it, the when and how. However, the man helping his wife with the house doesn’t lessen her “manliness” but the opposite. The wife, especially if she is capable, can help her man with his work by suggestions and research.  Even just by listening, she helps and shares her husband’s workloads.

·         Have fun together. Being together at home is fun enough but doing something out from it is enjoyable too, and healthy. Engaging in sports or going out even once a week is healthy for you and for your relationship.

There are so many books and friends that offer advices and ways to make the marriage works. However, it is on the “players” hands that lays the victory. The kind of foundation plays a great role in marriage success. Love and respect are the best foundations that make the any relationship lasts.

I wish everyone, especially this particular friend, a happy and lasting marriage.